What is wrong with the world today?

Hello everyone. I am going to post some frikkin kewl stuff here. Mainly my JA RULES. Hey, did you know there is a rapper named JA RULE? Is the name I chose for this blog a coincidence? Keep visiting this blog and you will learn the answers to such mysteries. Until then I would like to discuss “fanny packs”.

The belt bag, waist bag, or most commonly known as the “fanny pack” was invented by Joseph Jack Vickers (Wikipedia). I believe it is arguably the most underrated and under-utilized invention of the 20th century. I am not going to get into the fact that there were similar inventions dating back to prehistoric times (most likely), but I am going to discuss the “fanny pack” that we are accustomed to.

I honestly believe that it’s bad reputation comes simply from the fact that it has a silly nickname. According to wikipedia it is sometimes known as the “bum bag” or “butt bag” because people used to wear the item on their fanny. Apparently people now rotate the fanny pack 180 degrees to deter pick pocketing. All I have to say is:

Common!?!?! If I knew how to make “Common” in a size 72 font I would, but I am new to using “wordpress”.

Who does this. I have never once seen an actual person wear a fanny pack on their butt. If any of the millions of readers out there can find a non-contrived picture of this occurrence, I will pay you $300.
I think the douchebag (pardon me, but douchebag is one of my favorite words in the English language and I try to use it several times a day, and I do understand that it is not that funny) who popularized the word “fanny pack” also created the “wearing it on the butt” myth to make his clever “fanny pack” moniker catch on. I consider this highly unethical and a travesty to Mr. Vickers.

It is a shame that the “backpack” can be such a success and a norm in many societies, where the fanny pack is the butt (no pun intended) of all jokes. I think the explanation of the backpack’s success is that it has a cool name, that describes what it is, and it rhymes. Why isn’t the fanny pack as popular as the purse for example? It should be MORE popular. The fanny-pack is unisex and the purse is not! Again, if the fanny pack were actually worn on the butt as wikipedia states, then I can see some reasoning for ridicule. But I strongly believe that the “wearing it on the butt” to “wearing it in front” ratio is about the same as those who wear their jeans backwards (Kriss-Kross for example) to those who wear those clothes properly (zipper front tag in the back).

I personally carry many items. Wallet, keys, cell phone, sometimes an IPOD, and often my daily planner. Well in a perfect fantasy maybe even futuristic world, one could simply put all of these items in his pockets. We all know that even if this is possible, it is very uncomfortable. Doctors and Chiropractors today are saying that wearing a wallet in the back pocket throws off your alignment. I have had many pairs of jeans destroyed by ink because I put a pen in my pocket. Pockets are wonderful in theory. They are “built in” to your pants, and they are in close proximity to your hands. Unfortunately we as a human race have evolved to the point where pockets will not suit the needs of the 21st century man.

I myself sometimes carry a “messenger bag”. Just as the name suggests, this invention was invented for messengers. I personally am not a messenger. Now a messenger bag is, in reality, a large man-purse, however it is acceptable for men to use in today’s society. Although interestingly enough, it was ridiculed in an episode of “Friends” where Joey attempted to wear one. The messenger bag is basically a backpack that goes over the shoulder. Unfortunately the typical design of a messenger bag requires it to be large enough to deliver many messages. Unfortunately, this is too much for me. If I ever have a message to deliver, it does not require a bag that big. Usually I only need to carry a few items that do not require the amount of space the messenger bag allows. I often find myself having to stock my messenger bag with unnecessary items such as books, t-shirts, bubble wrap, and those little foamy things to create the illusion that the messenger bag is being properly utilized. Don’t get me wrong. The messenger bag is a great invention, and it carries over to the 21st century very well for some people, but it is not really for me. The only solution that I know of to satisfy my needs, is if society allows me to wear a fanny pack without being ostracized.

One time, in about the year of 2000 I purchased a fanny pack. Now hear me out. This was a VERY COOL fanny pack. I bought it at “Structure” which is now known as “Express For Men”. This was big, heavy duty, and it had huge pockets. This is honestly the coolest fanny pack that I’ve ever seen. It is blackand stylish. The first chance I had to use this fanny pack was at a fraternity camp-out. I was so excited I could hardly sleep the night before. I had many camping tools that I needed to carry on me that my pockets would not accommodate. These included a swiss army knife, beer bottle opener and a “poncho” rain coat. I correctly prepared for the possibility that I might receive some ridicule for wearing a fanny pack, just as I responsibly took account for the possibility of rain by packing a poncho. When someone yelled “He has a fanny pack” I cooly and calmly notified the group that it is a “war bag”. They did not buy it. I know I should go more into detail here, but I will just list a few facts:

-I wore it in the front, NOT on my butt

-It was a fraternity camp-out. People were preparing to go a weekend without showering. Some were already there for a few days wearing the same items of clothing without wash of course. It is not like we were at some elitist L.A. Nightclub. This wasn’t exactly “Project Runway”.

-I fully utilized the fanny pack. Although this is a larger than average fanny pack with many pockets, I fully utilized every last square millimeter of each pocket. There was no “wasted” room. I maximized the potential for storage that the fanny pack had to offer. I clearly was not trying to make a fashion statement.

I got off kind of easy, and my war-bag distraction got me a few laughs before I unclipped the fanny pack belt and put it in someone’s tent. But overall, this day was a turning point in my life. Perhaps if this, and probably similar cases for other people, never happened we’d see the fanny pack more often.

I know this is a depressing blog entry, but I assure you that I am optimistic. There are many things that should keep our hopes up. For example, the word “fanny” is quickly fading from the English dialect due to the leniency towards more synonyms for butt, like “ass,” “booty,” “trunk” and countless other words that will camouflage the once popular word “fanny”. When “fanny” goes extinct as it should shortly, the word “fanny pack” will not be able to oppress fanny pack users like it once did, as it will not have it’s humiliation power.

I am done writing for now but this is a topic that I am very passionate about. I am sure that in upcoming blogs I might re-address this topic but in the mean time, I am going to go do some more productive things.