Hiring an undercover babysitter

I was having this convo that let me to a good idea:

I should just be a complete perfect person for 6 days a week with absolutely no leaks at all. Going to bed early, working out, eating healthy.

Then once a week I can be a complete degenerate: on the condition that I hire an “undercover babysitter”.

Basically I pay some dude $20 an hour to drive me around to bars and stuff, and just pretend to be a friend. Little do people know that his job is to stay sober, and make sure I don’t get killed or arrested. Pretty simple!

I am thinking about posting an ad to craigslist just to see what happens.

Jaws 4: The Revenge

I never saw this movie but I am tempted. Apparently this is the worst movie ever. It has the “it was just a dream” trick several times, the shark follows the protagonist on an airplane (for revenge) and the main character has “flashbacks” to things that she never saw (from earlier Jaws movies).

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19870720/REVIEWS/707200301/1023

I was on extra long because I was watching the Rockets lose game 2. They suck.

201 calories or so, 30 minutes. This was on the 19th. I took the 20th off and I’m going back today! This is fun!

Other than taking pictures of your butt, the cell phone-camera can be used for many productive things.

I am going to start taking pictures of cardio machines after I use them (at 24 hour fitness or Ballys). This way I don’t have to write down stuff. Then I will save the pictures. I will keep on doing this until I get bored with the idea (this could have happened already). The real question as to whether or not I follow through on this project is if I find myself bringing my phone to the gym regularly. Also if I forget to take the picture once, I’ll probably just give up on the whole project (just kidding hopefully).

I got this idea a long time ago when I decided to use an eliptical for 60 minutes. If you are familiar with cardio machines, there are only enough digits so that you can’t have more than 59:59 on the console. You might be wondering what happens when you “cross over”. I’m not going to tell you! Mehhehe. I know though. By the way, whenever I get to 59:59 at the gym now, I pause right then and clear the time. This way people behind me cant see what happens…

I think after I work out and take a picture of the machine, I will go into the locker room and take pictures of myself flexing. I will post those pictures soon for all of the lady readers of this website

Think Big and Kick Ass! By Donald Trump

I was at Barnes and Nobles the other day looking at books. I was perusing the New Books area and I couldn’t help but to notice a book with the word “Ass” on the cover. Of course I had to take a closer look.

The book is called “Think Big and Kick Ass”. It is written by Donald Trump. Mr. Trump has an expression on his face and points at the camera as if he is about to kick the camera man’s ass. It is hilarious. I have never even touched a book by Donald Trump, and I am willing to at least skim through any book at Barnes and Nobles. I never even saw “The Apprentice” although I am guilty of watching the cheap knock-off by Mark Cuban; “The Benefactor”. I never really held any kind of opinion about Donald Trump, not really negative or high.

Anyway, the “cover” of the book was so funny that I had to open it to read it. I happened to turn to the chapter titled “Revenge”. After a few minutes I was trying to contain my laughter in the bookstore. It is the only time I read something at a bookstore that was so funny that I was embarrassed by my own laughter.

His belief is that when someone “screws you” as he says, you have to “screw them” much worse, otherwise you are a “schmuck”. He says this many times in the chapter. He then gives examples of all of the people who he got revenge on. It was the funniest thing ever. He describes Rosie O’Donnell as a “degenerate”. I love that word! He says that Mark Cuban is a loser, and time will prove this. Mark Cuban, according to Trump has no TV personality and looks like a Neanderthal. Skimming the chapter on “revenge” was enough to make me purchase the book. I admit I was very embarrassed purchasing the book. I even was kind of hoping that not too many people would be in line when I made the purchase. I gave it to the cashier person “cover down” so the ridiculous cover would not be viewable.

This book is absolutely entertaining. I am pretty sure a 5th grader can read it in a few hours. Donald Trump basically just talks about how bad ass he is, and how he wants to “screw” over everyone. He takes pride in “screwing people”. He even talks about all of the females he had sex with, and he described it as “screwing” them. He said that if he listed all of the famous people he had sex with, his book would automatically sell 10 million copies.

Overall this is one of the most entertaining books that I read in the last few years. I highly recommend everyone at least skim it in the bookstore. I never realized how funny Donald Trump is. Even though he is kind of a huge jerk, he is brutally honest and he doesn’t seem to care what negative feelings people have towards him. I will also start watching the Apprentice if it is on DVD.

Subway: Are they anti-vegetarian?

Someone please try this experiment:

Go to Subway. Every day of the week they have a different value meal. Last Saturday it was “Roast Beef Day”. I calculated that a roast beef 6 inch value meal would be cheaper than a 6 Inch Veggie Sub. So I explained to the friendly “sandwich artist” that I would like to have the Roast Beef Value meal but without meat. I even explained to her why I am doing this: to save about 10 cents.

I am not a very frugal person, but I am a huge proponent of ethically “hacking” menus to give myself an advantage, even if it is a very small economical one. I mainly do this so I can tell my friends and strengthen the argument that I am intellectually superior to them. Note to self: Write a post about the Olive Garden Appetizer Sampler Hack.

After attempting to order this modified roast beef sandwich, the artist told me that she can’t do that. I know that it was mainly due to confusion because there was a bit of a language barrier and I’m sure that what I attempted to do was not a very common practice. She didn’t really explain why I was being denied and I didn’t ask for an explanation. So I decided to just order the “6 inch Veggie Sub Combo” unhacked. I think she felt bad for denying me and she made the veggie sub extra delicious. Or maybe these are just my defense mechanisms playing tricks on me.

In the future I will continue to order the veggie sub combo in the traditional way. For example, I will say: “* “Hello! I would like a 6 inch veggie sub on wheat bread.” I calculate that I probably will not order this menu item from Subway more than 30 times in the rest of my life mainly because I am not a vegetarian and I prefer Quiznos to Subway. The decision to practice my future subway dining experiences this way will not really cost me more than $3.00 (without factoring in inflation or the elimination of the daily value meal).

My only regret is that to this day I do not know if I was denied the modified roast beef combo order because of confusion or simple corporate policy. I bet you can see where I am going with this: a little conspiracy theory for you. Keep in mind I am just putting this out there and you heard it from me first if it is true. The Subway corporation is anti vegetarian!? Is it possible? You be the judge.

I understand that when the sandwich artists or other employees do inventory and compare it to the sales record, the modified roast beef (minus the beef = veggie) will cause a slight problem. They will have an additional two or three ounces of roast beef and according to the register this extra meat should have been sold. The management might think that their subway artists are pulling a fast one on people and not giving the customers an adequate meat per sandwich ratio. It makes perfect sense for the manager to assume their employees are skimming off the top at the customer’s expense when they see this imbalance . But then again you can probably see the logical problem here: Roast beef usually comes in some force of a slice. So it’s not like a “gradual” under-serving of meat, but a one time attack on a specific customer. Or more realistically, for every 40 or so customers, the sandwich artist decides to give them a reduced amount of roast beef. So what I am saying is that maybe the “you only get a veggie sub if you pay for it” policy is to prevent such confusion in book keeping or inventory. Again, I am just trying to put myself in the eyes of upper management. I am trying to figure out why the Subway corporation might have a motive to discourage the practice of modifying meat orders into vegetarian orders.

It pains me to think of this, and I hope that it is not true: It is quite possible that Subway like many fast food chains simply hate animals. Perhaps Subway doesn’t want animal rights activists inside their doors and they assume that the majority of vegetarians are . Perhaps the powers that be in the Subway corporation were attacked by a group of cows and turkeys and this is their way to get revenge. This theory is slightly flawed however. Remember when Jarod S. Fogle was emerging as the poster-boy for Subway? Subway explained what his diet consisted of. He would eat a 6 inch sub of turkey or some other lean meat for lunch with a bag of reduced fat chips. Then he would eat a foot long veggie sub for dinner. So if they are really anti-vegetarian they probably would keep the lid on his choice of dinner. Or then again, maybe the Subway corporation had no choice to reveal this because they didn’t trust Jarod’s ability to keep this secret.

There are many theories out there and I am sure that you the reader have your own. Feel free to share with me any Subway experiences that you encounter relating to vegetarian menu item ordering only. In the mean time, please try ordering a Subway “Daily value meal minus the meat” if you haven’t done so already. If you find yourself successful please let me know. I will return the favor by allowing you to keep 100% of the money you saved instead of rightfully accepting a percentage of your savings.

The V-Shaped Hood Ornament, Dead Kangaroo Attack Skills, and other thoughts…

Many film critics will agree that Crocodile Dundee is one of the greatest movies in the history of the world. History of the world? Well, that’s kind of a stretch but they are entitled to their opinions.

I definitely think it is a terrific movie. I recently rented it through Netflix (or Blockbuster Online, I forget because I have both). It’s a funny story. One day I was at a bar and I ordered a “Foster’s Beer”. It comes in that HUGE can. It tastes pretty disgusting but the giant can is very exciting, and all of the girls at bars come up to you and talk to you when you order it. Well so as I was drinking it, for some reason no females seemed to notice, but this one gentleman struck up a conversation with me. It was something about Australia. I was pretty annoyed at first, since he was blocking my mojo but whatever. I told him that I just happen to like Foster’s beer, and I was not aware that it’s from Australia. Maybe I told him I thought it was from New Zealand. I don’t remember honestly but that’s what I would say if it happened today. After some blah blah blah he asked me if I saw Crocodile Dundee. We were on the topic of Australia, so his introductory topic was a good segue to the Crocodile Dundee topic. I was now captivated by the conversation. Yes I have, but not in a LONG TIME! He got my blood pumping once he reminded me of the scene where Mick Dundee (the movie’s protagonist) deters a mugging from some bad guys (who wear headbands) by showing them that he had a larger knife than theirs. Although I don’t think Crocodile Dundee is one of the top 10 movies in the world, that scene in the movie definitely is probably top 3 in greatest movie scenes of all time.

So anyway, after the night ended I went home and passed out.

The next day I woke up with a Mission. I had to watch Crocodile Dundee. I went to Blockbuster. No luck. I ALMOST made the fatal mistake of renting Crocodile Dundee Part 3 (2001) where Mick goes to L.A. I was confused because I never knew there was a Crocodile Dundee 3. I know in part 2 they are in Australia I believe.. so I assumed that since L.A. was in America, it had to be the first one. Then I briefly recalled that Mick was in New York in part 1.. and I noticed that I was almost renting Part 3. So anyway, they did not have Crocodile Dundee Part 1. Whoever rented it probably decided to never return it, and who can blame him.

I had the blockbuster lady call other blockbusters. As I expected all of the Blockbusters lacked Crocodile Dundee. I went next door to Barnes and Nobles to BUY Crocodile Dundee. Even though I pay $25 a year for the Barnes And Nobles membership deal to receive 10% off, I NEVER buy movies from Barnes and Nobles because they rip you off SO badly. I knew I would have to pay $30 or more to buy it there, even though I could buy it anywhere else for like $5.99. But then again I knew that I probably would not be able to find Crocodile Dundee outside of a Barnes and Nobles, or Best Buy.. and Best Buy was closed at this time. Anyway, Barnes and Nobles did not have it so I could not buy it.

I kind of put my mission on hold until it arrived in my mail a few days ago from Netflix (or Blockbuster Online). I immediately watched it. I remembered a few parts from the first time i saw it. I noticed there were a lot of jokes that I probably did not get the first time I saw it, most likely because I was about 8 years old at the time. There was also a bunch of storyline. But overall good jokes and good storyline! I was very entertained. If I had paid + $30 for it, or even + $300 for the movie at Barnes and Nobles, I would have had no buyers remorse.

The movie wasn’t perfect though. Now you might be thinking “Yeah that movie is not very realistic”. Everything in the movie that happened is in the realm of possibility, except one part.

Reginald VelJohnson: You probably know him more as Carl Winslow, the lovable police man father from Family Matters, who is a neighbor to America’s favorite nerd, Steve Urkell. He plays a a limo driver in the movie. Towards the end of the movie, there is a scene where Mick looks like he might have finally met his match. The pimp that he beat up earlier in the movie came back for revenge, but this time he brought backup. Mick quickly dislodges the pimp’s attack and takes him down with a sweet multi-hit combo. He then tries “taming” one of the thugs the same way he earlier tamed a buffalo and two angry dogs. The taming method was actually a distraction so Mick could SUCKER punch the thug! Brilliant! Eventually the enemy group’s strength in numbers prevails as they restrain Mick. It appears that Mick might meet his demise UNTIL out of nowhere Reginald VelJohnson comes out of nowhere driving his limo. OH yeah, by the way I should have said this earlier. SPOILER alert. So VelJohnson basically runs over and smashes into all of the bad guys with his limo. The bad guys retreat. As one runs away.. and is probably a good 50 yards away, Reginald VelJohnson calmly takes off a giant V-shaped hood ornament off the front end of his limo. He smugly looks over at Mick, then I believe if I am not mistaken he winks at the camera (I may be confabulating the camera wink). He proceeds to hurl the V-shaped object at the bad guy who is now about 80 to 100 yards away according to my estimate. The V-Shaped ornament, as a surprise to the audience travels in a way that greatly resembles a boomerang. This is a brilliant little easter egg from the writers. For those who don’t know, a boomerang is from Australia, the home country of Mick Dundee. It is one of the few projectiles one can throw at someone, and expect it to return to the hands that launched it.

Anyway, I’m getting a bit off topic. So he throws this giant V-shaped hood ornament and hits the the bad guy! This is unbelievable! I mean if he practiced throwing a v-shaped hood ornament, or a boomerange regularly this feat would still be nearly impossible. It is probably physically impossible, and if it is the odds of getting the object to travel that far, AND connect are 1 in 1 billion. Reginald VelJohnson by the way he calmly removed the v-shaped hood ornament, and threw it looked like he did it thousands of times. Or as if he was WAITING for his chance to finally be a super-hero and use this tactic. This part was completely ridiculous, and as unbelievable as it sounds, the ONLY truly unrealistic part of the movie. Interestingly enough, earlier in the movie Mick Dundee throws a can at a purse-snatcher that is running away and hits him on the back of the head. This was MUCH more believable.

But ok… common writers. Are you serious?

I would give this movie an A+++ or like a 98% “Fresh Meter” if I controlled Rotten Tomatoes, but this scene just annoys me after my emotional high from the excitement wears off.

If anything, maybe Reginald VelJohnson could have thrown a can at someone earlier in the movie, then Mick Dundee could have thrown the make-shift boomerang. That would make more sense. To make matters worse, earlier in the movie when Mick first meets Reginald VelJohnson… he naively asks what tribe Reginald is of. Mainly because from his limited travels, every person with dark complexion is a member of a tribe of some sort. Reginald VelJohnson who is offended at first, realizes the misunderstanding and tells his new friend that he is not of a tribe.

Oh by the way, after the Boomerang attack Mick says “I thought you weren’t from a tribe”. Reginald then says “I am a Harlem Warrior”. I don’t really know what that means, but I guess Harlem Warriors are masters of using make-shift projectiles.

By the way, is it still called a projectile if it returns to the projector?

Scholars of cinema have written countless books and articles about this movie I am sure, and I would not be surprised if this was addressed and there is a simple answer to the mystery of how Reginald VelJohnson obtained these skills. I am just an above average movie critic so I do not know as much as these scholars. There are many little “gems” and “easter eggs” in the movie that I noticed though. I have to get going soon, and end this article but here is one more for the reader to contemplate.

We learn early in the movie that although Mick DOES in fact have skills, he is not all that he says he is. For example, he looks at his friend’s wrist watch, before pretending to tell the time looking at the sun to impress his new lady friend. He NEVER in the movie admitted that he committed an act of fraud. He does prove himself later in the movie with many skills, however he is a proven liar from that scene.

There is a question or mystery as to whether or not Mick is a crocodile poacher. Crocodile poachers get a BAD rep where Mick is from. When someone accuses him of being one early in the movie, he punches the guy out. But then again, the lady friend that Mick is trying to impress happened to be there.. so maybe Mick thought that the guy was trying to dry Mick’s pimp juice. Who knows. Later when Kangaroo Hunters (one of them the same guy that Mick punched in the previously described scene) are shooting innocent Kangaroos, Mick’s lady friend tells Mick to do something. He doesn’t want to because killing kangaroos is legal apparently. But then Mick has a change of heart and finds a dead kangaroo, puts a gun under the kangaroo’s arm, and makes it seem as if the kangaroo is shooting the bad guys (it was really Mick doing some sweet ninja trick). But ok… this proves nothing.

If you watch the movie, as I know you will do after reading this, please ask yourself this: Is Mick a poacher or not? Put all bias to the side. I know that Mick is likable and manipulative, but you have to acknowledge the fact that he is a proven liar. He is also a drunk and chain smoker. He gives a bottle of liquor to a homeless man even. He is not perfect. He is willing to lie to his lady friend by faking Sun-Time reading skills that he does not have. You be the judge.

Keep in mind that I remember nothing from Crocodile Dundee 2 even though I am pretty sure that I saw it on Showtime or HBO once when I was a kid. And also keep in mind that I never saw Crocodile Dundee 3. So maybe some of these questions that I ask are eventually answered. Maybe we are given absolute proof that Mick is not a poacher. Maybe we find Reginald VelJohnson’s true back story and learn that he is an Australian Secret Agent specially trained and hired to follow and protect Mick in America. I do not know.

Overall watch the movie with an open mind, yet analyze it scientifically the way I do.

Crocodile Dundee, while not as perfect as everyone says it is, is still a wildly entertaining movie that has action, drama, comedy, and education all combined into one beautiful 90 minute package.

Vocabulary Update

I am a big fan of self-improvement and I realize that I would be a better person if I never use the word “douche-bag” again. Not because it is offensive, but mainly because the majority of people who use it are huge douches, and it is way too common now. Although I stole the word from someone else, I used the word back when it was “cool” to say, and now it’s too mainstream. I realized this while driving my car yesterday shortly after writing the previous post. I will replace the word with either “ass-bag” or “butt-bag” that i learned about yesterday. I would like to get reader opinions about which word they think is better, butt-bag or ass-bag. I am leaning towards the latter but I have been waffling on my decision.